Identity. Is that all there is to talk about?
I'm seriously considering dumping all of the volunteer groups. On the rare occasion I'll jump into Live Help. It's the only one that I enjoy, but I don't do it enough really. When I came into the world, I really found that I enjoyed helping others. Becoming an official volunteer seemed a natural thing for me. I'm never been much of a social person, but SL changed that in me. I'm starting to realize, however, that it wasn't a complete change. While I'm better at talking to people, I'm still not all that social. Volunteering was a way for me to meet, interact, and help others, but without any real long-term commitments to them. Even though I've not actually done much volunteer work lately, I still have that to jump into if I feel the need. If I leave, what does that do to *me*? My identity is tied to volunteering. What becomes of me if I stop?
Friends. Second Life was never boring to me because I could volunteer to help out if I had nothing else to do. I've noticed that SL is boring, though. I could build. In fact, I *need* to build (the store is sucking). But I don't feel like it. I could work on BanLink. I *need* to work on BanLink. But I don't feel like it (I heard lots of complaints and suggestions for improvement, but none who said, the time, money, and effort spent on this really helped us out, thanks). I could go hang out in the Shelter. But I don't feel like it. Being what SL is, you need friends to take away the boredom. There's the last nail in the coffin for me. Friends.
Sure, I've got a few friends in SL. And I take that friendship seriously. But I'll bet each of them will attest to the fact that I'm not very close to them. I've been hurt. I'm not trusting. And having a friend get close to me is a frightening thing. What if I say the wrong thing? What if they just don't like me, but don't know how to say it? What if those days that I just won't shut up is too much to bear? What if they come to realize that I really do suck? There are a few people that have known me for most of my SL life. And I do realize that I rarely even talk to them much anymore. It's all my fault. I'm not trying to be mean or even consciously keeping you away. It's just how I am, and I'm sorry. I fear anyone getting too close to me, and I'm only now really noticing that fact. Only one person has gotten close, and she knows/understands my fears. Tateru, thank you for understanding and accepting me. Others I *wish* to be closer to, but don't know how to approach it. (Time for a side note…by close I'm referring to friendship, not *that*.)
So I give up volunteering, my *identity*. What do I do? Try to be more social? Less purple? What else changes with this? Can I even go through with it? Is SL causing more depression than it was fixing?
Oh, and I'm not about the drama, so don't read this, or think much on it. I just had to get my thoughts together. This is being posted without any real thinking or proof-reading, so I apologize for masspillings or grammatical errors of which I'm sure there are much.
I could have written this myself…I’m not a trusting person, I don’t consider myself an overly friendly person either. I try sometimes, but it just gets to hard, RL/SL it’s much the same.
I put it down to growing up in a suburb of pensioners, and being the youngest there by 20 years.
But I’ve said it before, that everyone that does know you, does respect you, for what you do and who you are.
Even if yours with grammar trouble you do
Why would we read your blog, if we didn’t care?
Refering to our last conversation, I value my SL identity, so I wouldn’t give just anyone the chance to make me look foolish, would I ?
One of the strangest things about SL is what a powerful mirror it can be. Everything can be modified to suit yourself. What is valued, how one chooses to socialize, activities, the appearance of the AV, all of these things reflect the person behind the avatar.
I became more conscious of how my choices were keeping people at arm’s length. Over the years I’ve collected a lot of skills in that area. Becoming conscious of them allows me to choose whether or not I use them. I have scars; I refuse to let my scars define me.
Looking in a mirror and seeing what’s there takes a lot of courage.
Mera, my friend Val was over at our house last night, and I think she’s going through the same kind of thing you are…wondering what she “ought to” be doing in SL now that she doesn’t have the club anymore. Her concerns are a little different from yours–she’d like to find an in-world boyfriend, for instance–but there’s a lot of similarity.
I suppose all I can say is that, if you give it time, let your subconscious chew on it for awhile, eventually, something will come up. Change happens, as you yourself have pointed out to me…and it’s not necessarily limited to appearance. (Speaking of which, if I let this particular topic jell for awhile, I might have some material for another blog thought-piece…)
In the meantime, you’re welcome to come over and hang out at the Gin Rummy…Triste can tell you it’s a good place.
Well, I’m trying to think of how to say what I’d like to, but so far it’s sounding strange. Here goes though:
Friendship is a really strange thing. It is scary at times, but the rewards of a good one are immense. Sure, I’ve had friends turn on me in the past and it hurt me like hell. It throws your world off balance too. And for the longest time, I didn’t want to be around people, and I thought I could make life work as a loner. But I came to the realization that I couldn’t go on like that. Even now, with my friends, I sometimes wonder if they do enjoy me being there or if they just put up with me. Then I realize that if it were like that then they wouldn’t invite me out to go party or whatever or they wouldn’t start a random conversation up. If they never did that then, yeah, it’d be obvious that I wasn’t wanted, but they fact that they don’t lets me know that I’m important to them.
I guess my point is, is that I see that going on around you. You are a very special person, who I know a lot of people would do anything for.
I hope that has come out in the right way and has helped a bit.
-Alex
Mera, if you need to take a break from SL for a while, do. I did it myself a few months back and it made all the difference in the world. I had gotten to the point where nothing felt special anymore, so I went on sabbatical for a few months.
One day it became too overwhelming to wonder what was going on in my home away from home, so I dropped back in and while familiar, there was enough newness, both people and places, that it was almost like discovering it anew! And I was overjoyed to find my friends still there, and the welcoming was wonderful!
In Other News, I have noticed your slight distance, but have respected it. Second Life grants enough opportunities for easy friendship, but not as many for solitude. I will tell you, however, that I was always ALWAYS happy to see you drop in, and considered it a good day when I’d get a chance to talk with you a little, even if it were only banter.
No matter what you decide to do, we’ll back you up, stay or leave, because despite yourself, we love you and want you to be happy. And I’m always available for conversation, regardless of topic or depth. You can also reach me out-world at [emailaddressremovedcauseinterwebsucks] if you’d like.
Don’t despair, O Princess Purple!
Personally I just don’t believe it’s very fair to try and pigeon-hole yourself into one raison d’etre within SL. Volunteering, though a wonderful, selfless service to the community itself and obviously something very important to you, does NOT define who you are. Strong words coming from me of all people, but I’d have to guess those who you know better would agree. Not that I can’t sympathize at all with your worries; there’s a certain comfort factor in spotlighting one certain trait or action and allowing it to define your character, but does it ever paint the complete picture? Hardly.
I’d hate to say it, especially since I’ve only recently been really spending time with you myself, but that vague apathy you’re feeling towards everything in SL…might suggest it’s time for a break. NOT a sabbatical like Akela proposed, or at least I’d hope to hell not, but even a day or two to refresh and reflect might do some good. I can understand getting worn out from so many tasks and responsibilities, despite not having to deal with anything remotely similar myself, but when it reaches the point where you’re no longer enjoying even the simpler things in (second) life, burn-out sounds like a pretty accurate diagnosis. I’d hope to see you tackle it in its early stages rather than let it progress until it takes you from us for an extended period.
It’s harder for me to address your sentiments on friendship, because I can relate to them much more readily. You’ve expressed an almost perfect combination of my current issues with friendships both in SL and RL. I know I come across like a hyperactive ditz in SL, and it’s not at all an act, but it’s a sharp contrast to my behavior in RL, which has become borderline antisocial in the past few years. I’d always been a people person, I still consider myself to be to an extent, but things happened and I just found myself becoming more and more content to close myself off…it’s safer, easier, . In just three months of SL I’m finding myself reverting back to an attitude I haven’t really had since high school, unearthing a bit of the ‘old’ me but still dealing with the ‘new’ me’s paranoia. I constantly worry about being bothersome, being misunderstood, being too forceful, not being serious enough and then being -too- serious, etc. It’s challenging, and though for me, SL is still primarily about enjoyment and relaxation, it’s become so much more than that, too. I never quite expected this level of social fullfilment to come from it, and I find myself only wanting more. But holy crap, do I ever digress, it wasn’t my intention to write the Book of Reina here. Your entry just obviously got my gears turning..and believe me, that’s quite an accomplishment!
Oh, and I also need to firmly veto that ‘become less purple’ proposal immediately, mmkay?
Ok, I need to comment on this one *smile*
You’re my friend, and I can’t attest that we’re not very close. I think we’re VERY close! Although, I do create my own reality, so feel free to correct me if I’m wrong! *lol*
Uhh, so yeah, I don’t like writing in blogs…including comments…so uhh…
Wanna dance?
I’ll admit I’m intrigued as to what you *think* you know about me, FE.
I think I know that you don’t wanna dance. Oh, and that you’re purple.
Mera, you know I’m your friend – and I know I’ve been neglecting you – well, all of my friends, really – lately too.
I have at times been dissatisfied with SL and bored and felt restless with the whole shebang. But something keeps drawing me back, and then I find a new interesting place or event, or I spend a late night hanging with good friends, and I love it all over again.
Don’t wear yourself out trying to be everything to everyone. You just wind up getting stretched too thin. Come just hang out and chat – or just flake out. You’re always invited to the lake.